Yup I said it

K this isn’t gonna be a Bible related post.
It’s quite the opposite.
LOL
Our orchestra is playing Andante Cantabile by Tchaikovsky for orchestra with a solo by…
*cues drumroll* the fabulous Matt.

And I realized how big of a loser I am because I freaking airbow so I can watch him play.

And you know what else is pitiful? It’s not even the music that comes out of the cello that I like. It’s watching him play because he’s so 멋있어.

Odd thing: once he puts down his cello he returns to “Matt from orchestra” rather than “Matt the guy who plays mesmerizingly”

I feel pitiful because I’ve been “daydreaming” of my future husband who is required to play an instrument prettily.

K I’m done but seriously talented musician guys are VERY attractive. They’ve been on  my mind a lot can you tell? HAHAHAHHA.

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we learned that prepping for war requires mobilization, or the act of supplying troops and training for war. that requires you tto be ready before you know a war is going to happen, and it means youre gonna have to be making lots of weapons and stuff

and it makes total sense, because how can someone get ready for war once someone starrts attacking you? won’t you be at a disadvantage??

so then i realized im prepping for war tooo. times are great right now. i have hardly any troubles. but ive been reading the bible and understanding that even in good times, i NEED God. so by reading the bible and taking it all in, im wearing my armor and preparing for troubles and trials to come, because those are inevitable. in the end i wanna prove to Satan, my enemy, that God is the most powerful because he helps to sustain me and keep my faith robust.

read your bible 🙂

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

So, according to OGT rules, we have to stay silent and do absolutely nothing until 10am, even if we finish testing at 8am.

Mr. Coates, my homeroom teacher, is pretty lax about the rules, so he let us talk from 8:30a-10a, which was so awesomeeeeeeeeeee.

So this girl told me how her mom had cancer this past year. Even though it was only a mild cancer with a super high survival rate, the girl said she would burst into tears during certain classes and would be excused from the class by teachers who saw her crying.

But after telling me, she shushed me, telling me not to tell anyone else her secret and that I was only the second person from school to know even though the whole cancer this happened last year.

It was weird to me. I like being told “secrets”, I guess, but I found it weird that she felt almost ashamed to have gone through an experience like a loved one having cancer.

It’s strange how people try to hide things from the world in an attempt to feign a perfect, normal, happy life, even if that life is completely broken. And because of that, it’s hard to pray for people… I mean, they never tell you what’s actually wrong because that puts them in a vulnerable situation.

But dude, do you know how much God wants to hold you in His arms and love you while you’re sad? Do you know how much we want to pray for you? But if you never tell us what’s wrong, and you don’t outwardly show your brokenness, how can we ever know to keep you in our prayers!?

I guess it’s really important to show God’s love to everyone you meet, whether that person is mean, rude, annoying, fun, [insert other adjectives here].

It’s Human

My faith endurance has increased a lot since retreat.
But Idk recently everything seems to have slowed down a bit…and I’m not sure why.
I guess, being human means that consistency in my faith will never be perfect and will always have peaks and troughs, similar to those of a wave. But I’ve learned that rather than giving up on my faith walk and “taking a rest in my run,” if you wanted to elaborate on that analogy, I guess I know never to be just “satisfied” in the direction my faith is heading. Blaming everything on the fact that faith naturally dips every once in a while shouldn’t give people a complacency in their faith! No excuses!
I write this to motivate myself to start back up on my lent sacrifices. I’ve caved in almost everyday to the temptations.

indirect

you told the world how broken your world has become.

i’m shocked by how well you hide it.

you’ll never know that i read what you wrote, and you’ll never know i’m writing this blogpost right now, but i’ll be praying for you. i hope one day you’ll meet the God–your Creator–who has a purpose for you and who wants so badly to love you and cradle you in His arms when you feel the most vulnerable.

I’m sorry for ever believing what other people said about you. sometimes I forget that even the seemingly perfect people in the world have shattered hearts too.
I’m thankful that God gave me a bit if His compassion through your story.

Mission Trip

sometimes i feel like its such a burden that my parents switched churches………………..

but it’s hard to talk about because i feel like i belong at kmumc while my parents fit at power mission a lot better. and there’s no chance whatsoever that all of us will one day go to the same church again (minus my sister who’s already transitioning to power mission).

recently my dad decided i’m going to ecuador with him for a medical mission trip……..with my brother and four other adults (including my dad).

but after finding out that my job is passing out gauze and laying dental tools. i feel selfishly annoyed that they were intending on taking me to a mission trip to do that.

see, maybe if i were in college and in dental school, i’d do something like that. because that would PERTAIN to me. that’s something that dentists who were also christ followers could be seen doing.

at this point i’m a sophomore in high school and i dont know what my future looks like. i may never be the orthodontist i claimed i “wanted” to be since 4th grade. heck, i don’t even know if i want to go into the dental field. and while there are people who have never and will never have anything related to being a dentist who want to go and who WANT to pass out gauze, i DONT.

not only am i completely incapable of speaking spanish (NOTE: I CAN’T EVEN SPEAK KOREAN. COMMUNICATION WITH THE FREAKING ADULTS ON THE MISSION TRIP IS GONNA BE IMPOSSIBLE), but i feel i’m just gaining service hours instead of performing a service for God. see the difference? now, it’s a totally legitimate argument to say that passing out gauze and laying dental tools is a service because it is helping the dentist who is helping the people. and the dental work is a service to people who need it. but if you need someone to do that, why don’t you find someone who has the heart to do it so it becomes a mission rather than a chore? it’s also completely legitimate to say that the sheer experience of going to ecuador and seeing the poverty there is going to be hard to see. but i walk into downtown cincinnati and see the poverty there AND YES ITS FREAKING HARD AF TO SEE THAT AND LET IT GO. but when i say that i actually want to be able to talk to and communicate with the people i’m helping is also just as valid of an argument. to say that i want to be able to do a VBS with kids is a valid argument.

and my mom BLATANTLY told me, “oh you never even see those kids again. that interaction means nothing” PISSES ME OFF. a;lsdfja;lsdfja;lsdkjf;lasjf;laksdjf;lkjasd;lfja;dslfjadls;fkja;lsdfj

how is that NOT mission work?

honestly i dont know. i bet i’ll just not even end up going to any mission trip. i feel like my side of the argument makes sense and my parents’ side of the argument makes sense. i have no idea what to do. maybe i just wasnt meant to go to a mission trip at all this year.

to be completely honest if there was even ONE other kid in junior high or something going, i would have a different view on the whole thing. because there’s someone to talk to about what im seeing what i’m experiencing. i dont talk to my brother about that kind of stuff. EVEN IF MY SISTER WAS GOING i would be okay with it. but the idea of one 15 year old on a MEDICAL mission team just doesn’t make sense. we’re not even doing VBS. so it makes me feel like this is my DAD’S mission trip with church people. not a church mission trip that my dad is going to. 

so yeah this is not the first fight/argument ive had since switching churches about the fact that my parents want me participating in THEIR church instead of mine. and its incredibly stressful for me because i REALLY wanted to go to kmumc’s mission trip. but if i tell them i want to go to that, they’re just gonna tell me that i’m using mission trip as a weeklong sleepover and socializing….WHCIH IT’S NOT.

this probably sounds so stupid to the people reading this, but it makes me upset because if we had all gone to the same church it would’ve never happened. the key here is that it’s incredibly taxing on me to have to choose between churches, even if we serve the same God and even if I know God can work through the mission trip in Ecuador and the mission trip ANYWHERE.

….

idk i hate talking about it because i know that everyone will just assume my parents are bad people for leaving despite the fact that their kids enjoy kmumc better. some of the ajummas even started gossiping about the fact that my parents are gone and we’re still here. but i wouldn’t say that they’re bad people at all. because if they feel like they are growing at the new church, then that’s great. but how could i grow at that church when most of the 8th graders there don’t even know where the book of Mark is in the Bible. there’s such a huge disconnect not only in physical and mental maturity, but also spiritual maturity.

Tragic Flaw

we’re reading macbeth to learn about tragedies. one component is the TRAGIC HERO, someone whose strength can, when taken to the extreme, turn into a flaw.

for example, lance armstrong’s competitive drive. his motivation to win gave him the mindset to be the best, but eventually it encouraged him to take performance enhancing drugs.

so ms. nally asked us what our tragic flaws were. i really couldn’t think of anything. it wasn’t that i don’t have flaws–trust me i am well aware of my share of flaws. but it’s that i felt that i had no outstanding strengths that were obvious to me. and if you don’t have a strength, you can’t have a tragic flaw.

but it was interesting because when no one answered ms. nally’s question, she mentioned an answer from her previous class. she said that one student–a girl–said her faith was her biggest flaw.

and i would TOTALLY agree. her reason was different from mine, but like man I FEEL YOU EVEN THOUGH I DONT KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

don’t get me wrong, my faith has made me the person that i am. God has a purpose for me in my life, which motivates me to study His words and lean into Him more so I’ll be the best servant for His kingdom that I can possibly be. faith reminds me that there’s a God out there who loves me and the rest of the world.

but that’s where my humanness comes in. in learning more about God, I realize that i’m only a tiny human being, ever so vulnerable and susceptible to the unGodly world around me. as i read into the Bible, learning how to be the kind of human God wants me to be, I see the world around me, and I judge them because they are the “non-Christians” who value the most useless things. key word: JUDGE. Aren’t Christ followers supposed to love everyone? the last thing we should do is judge someone for acting like a “looked-down-upon non-Christian”. does my judgment reflect who those people are, or does it reflect the person I am? i’m thinking the latter.
i also find that I often look to my generous God and think that He’ll give me whatever I want for following Him. the whole idea of my life being in God’s hands becomes perverted into the idea that I don’t have to do anything because God’s got my back. that’s not how it works either.
i also find that i become more angry now. when i can’t come to church, instead of making the most of my time away from church by praying, worshipping, and reading the Bible on my own, I get angry at the world around me for keeping me away from church. sure, it’s ideal that i worship and learn more about God with a community, but when im taken away from church out of my will, i can still spend time with God. God gave me the Holy Spirit and a functioning voice, mind, and heart for a reason.

it puts things in perspective for me.